Who Drives My Life?

Last April, I wrote an article for my church’s newsletter that I thought I’d share, because it captures so much of this journey for me:

Lately, I’ve really been struggling with trusting God. It’s easy to say “Jesus is Lord of my life,” but my attitudes don’t always reflect that truth. I’ve been worrying about what I’m going to do with my life, especially as I need to be deciding what college to go to. I worry that what I want—marriage and a family—isn’t what God wants for me. I feel that if that doesn’t happen, I won’t be happy. It’s hard for me to be completely satisfied with God alone. But, through many different avenues, He’s been gently hammering this point home.

In Matthew 4:4, Jesus said that man “should not live on bread alone, but on every word that proceeds from the mouth of God.” For me to live on God’s word means I need to hunger and thirst for it. Am I really hungry for God and His word? I would never voluntarily go days without food, so why do I let days slip by without feasting upon and drinking from His word? I need to view God’s word as something I can’t live without, even for a day.

When the wounded are gathered up after a battle, there’s only one thing on their mind: water. They are literally desperate for water; they are tormented without it. Psalm 42:1-2 says, “As the deer pants for streams of water, so my soul pants for you, O God. My soul thirsts for God, for the living God. When can I go and meet with God?” Have you ever been so thirsty you couldn’t wait to get a drink of water? And when you got it, you gulped it down like you’d never tasted anything so good. To really thirst for God, we need to notice that we’re empty and lost without Him. We need to be desperate for God.

I’ve been reading The Purpose Driven Life for the past month with a Bible study at school, and God has really used that book to point things out to me. For example, Rick Warren considers the meaning of the word drive: “to guide, to control, or to direct. … What is the driving force in your life?” To honestly evaluate what my life is driven by, I thought about the things I spent the most time thinking about: school, friends, family, and my appearance. I think about almost anything more than I think about God. But I am to live my life not just for Him, but in Him. I am to be immersed in Jesus. I need to seek Him whole-heartedly, shape my life by His Word, and take my spiritual life seriously.

I guess the root of this issue, for me, is whether God, who brought everything into being just by speaking, is enough for me. In Psalm 73, Asaph struggles with this issue. He looks at the worldly, the evil and ungodly, who do whatever they want, and have everything they want, and he feels like all he is doing is for naught. Why should he try so hard to do what is right when those who don’t have everything? But toward the end of the Psalm, God gives him a reality check, and tells him that the evil are destined to fall, and they will be punished in the end. So Asaph goes on to praise God for who He is; he finally gets it. Starting in verse 23, he says, “Nevertheless, I am continually with you; you hold my right hand. You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will receive me to glory. Whom have I in heaven but you? And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. For behold, those who are far from you shall perish; you put an end to everyone who is unfaithful to you. But for me it is good to be near God; I have made the Lord GOD my refuge, that I may tell of all your works” (emphasis mine). He finally reached the point where all he desired was to be near God. The Hebrew word for “portion” here, cheleq (khay'lek), means “smoothness (of the tongue); also an allotment – flattery, inheritance, part, partake, portion.” A few of Webster’s definitions for “portion” are “the part of an estate received by an heir,” “the part of experience supposedly allotted to a person by fate; one’s lot; destiny,” and “the part of a meal or quantity of food served to a person; serving; helping.” That last definition reinforces the idea of people hungering and thirsting for God. It is analogous to longing for a portion of food; do we long for God with the same intensity with which we look forward to our next meal? In the same way, God is our inheritance. Both the Hebrew word and Webster’s have inheritance as a meaning. An inheritance is a “legacy,” “right to inherit,” and “any blessing or possession coming as a gift.” We have been adopted into God’s family and we will inherit His kingdom, along with myriad blessings. We become a part of His legacy.

There’s a song by BarlowGirl based on Psalm 73. The chorus says, “My God’s enough for me / This world has nothing I need / In this whole life I see / My God’s enough, enough for me.” Is God really enough for me? Could I just be satisfied in Him alone, if everything else was stripped away? Can I glory in Jesus, completely fulfilled by Him alone? Or do I feel like I need other things—a husband, children, a career—in order to be truly happy?

Sometimes, it feels like God isn’t working fast enough. I know I’ve felt that way a lot. I know that until God calls me to marriage that I need to redeem this time and college seems to be the next logical step, but what if God’s plan differs from what I want? Will I be happy? Will I be content if His plan differs from my desires? I want to know what I’m going to do with my life right now; I want to have everything all planned out, all my ducks in a row. But God doesn’t need my input. He is fully capable of handling everything. He’s done it for thousands of years, He’s doing it just fine now, and He will continue to do it forever.

In Rich Mullins’ song “Hold Me Jesus,” he says, “I’d rather fight You for what I don’t really want than take what You give that I need.” I find that I do that a lot. It all comes down to who is really on the throne of my life. Is God my copilot? If so, we need to switch seats. My desire, my goal, needs to be to become like Jesus. But before I can do that, I need to lose myself, give up control, become broken, surrender to His power, and come to the end of myself. When I’ve got everything under control, I don’t need God and I think my plan is best. It’s when things fall apart that I realize how helpless I really am, and that I need Him desperately. Galatians 2:20 says, “I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.” The leader of my Bible study at school pointed out the meaning of that first part: “It is no longer I who live.” I don’t live anymore. I don’t have any rights: dead people don’t (and can’t) demand rights. I have no right to demand that God do what I want. I am like a slave to Him now; I have willingly decided to serve Him all my days.

In Zoegirl’s version of “Jesus, Lover of My Soul,” there’s a part that goes, “It’s not about me, as if You should do things my way / You alone are God, and I surrender.” I am nothing compared to God; I am powerless before Him.

One of my favorite verses is Isaiah 40:31. But if we back up a little to verse 28, Isaiah has a lot to say about this issue: “Have you not known? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He does not faint or grow weary; his understanding is unsearchable. He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might he increases strength. Even youths shall faint and be weary, and young men shall fall exhausted; but they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint” (emphasis mine). God will renew our strength when we wait on Him. When we wait for His perfect timing, we will fly, run, and walk without growing tired.

In The Purpose Driven Life, Rick Warren points out that “You were made for God, not vice versa, and life is about letting God use you for his purposes, not your using him for your own purpose.” I think that pretty much sums up the root of my problem: I want to get things out of God, not give Him everything I have. But I need to be ruled by Christ, truly desiring Him, and finding peace in Him.

The question is, am I going to spend my life looking forward to the future, then when I get there, looking back with longing? Or am I going to make the most of every precious moment I am given, knowing that the best stage of life is the one I’m in now?

Going back to Warren’s analogy of a drive, I need to evaluate who is really driving the car of my life. It’s easy to fool myself into thinking that I’ve got things under control because I’m organized and I like to plan (and I’m a pretty safe driver), but when the wheels start coming off the car and it runs out of gas, I remember how helpless I really am and that I need Him desperately.
Through this season I am learning to trust God and His sovereignty. Gently, He is showing me—in a number of ways—that He is my portion. I know that His plan is perfect and that He is keeping my best interests in mind. Sometimes I feel silly when I find myself thinking that my plan for my life is better than His. It’s comforting to know that God is not limited by my beliefs or expectations; that He is better than anything I can think of or imagine. So, even though I’m struggling with some of these things, I’m glad I can say, “Jesus is Lord of my life.”
As Paul said in Eph. 3:20-21, “Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to Him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen.”